Further Advice to a Young Therapist
A few years ago, I wrote an entry called Advice to a Young Therapist. I've learned some things since then, so it seemed like a good time for another one.
In looking these over, they seem a lot more grim than the last set I wrote. The odd thing is, I think I'm happier and calmer and less in danger of burn-out than I was when I wrote the last one by a factor of about a million. I think that's because I really, really believe #10. So maybe skip to that one, if this is depressing?
( Your client sees you through the same lens they see everyone else in their lives. )
( Your goal is not for you to be the most important person in your clients' life; it's for them to learn to build other relationships that they can rely on instead of you. )
( 3. Know your frame. )
( 4. Also, pay attention to what the frame means to the client. )
( 5. One of the hardest things about recovering from/leaving abusive relationships is that they are relationships. )
( 6. Your client getting better at being in therapy is not the same as your client getting better. )
( 7. Learn the difference between anxiety and fear, and stay safe. )
( 8. No, seriously, self-care. )
( 9. You are a conduit for wisdom to flow from one survivor to another. )
( You don't have all of the power or none of the power. You have some of the power. )
--R
*This point was driven home by reading The Flock: The Autobiography of a Multiple Personality by Joan Frances Casey, featuring the journal of her therapist, Lynn Wilson. In this memoir, Casey describes how her therapist, and her therapist's husband, became substitute parents for her to replace her abusive ones, complete with hugs, cuddling, trips to their lake house, etc. Casey finds this treatment wonderfully restorative until the point where Wilson, pretty abruptly, decides that this is too much for her, and suddenly places boundaries. For a while, she and Casey continue to work together, but then Wilson and her husband die suddenly in a boating accident. After that, Casey declares that she is suddenly completely integrated! And totally fine! And living a perfectly good life! Well, except for the alcoholism and depression. But basically fine!
So, like, don't try to be everything to your clients. Because what if you die in a boating accident?
** There are some therapists who think that the client should start talking at the beginning of the hour, so that they talk about what's important to them, not just what they think the therapist wants them to say. That's all well and good, but you need to for the love of all the gods TELL THE CLIENT THAT. They can't telepathically divine your intentions, they haven't read the same books you have, and they have no flippin' clue why you're just sitting there staring at them. So they will come up with an explanation for it-- that you're putting them in a stressful situation to see how crazy they are, that you're a creep, that you're too uninterested in them as a person to bother simple politeness like "good morning"-- etc. This is not conducive to good therapeutic rapport!
In looking these over, they seem a lot more grim than the last set I wrote. The odd thing is, I think I'm happier and calmer and less in danger of burn-out than I was when I wrote the last one by a factor of about a million. I think that's because I really, really believe #10. So maybe skip to that one, if this is depressing?
( Your client sees you through the same lens they see everyone else in their lives. )
( Your goal is not for you to be the most important person in your clients' life; it's for them to learn to build other relationships that they can rely on instead of you. )
( 3. Know your frame. )
( 4. Also, pay attention to what the frame means to the client. )
( 5. One of the hardest things about recovering from/leaving abusive relationships is that they are relationships. )
( 6. Your client getting better at being in therapy is not the same as your client getting better. )
( 7. Learn the difference between anxiety and fear, and stay safe. )
( 8. No, seriously, self-care. )
( 9. You are a conduit for wisdom to flow from one survivor to another. )
( You don't have all of the power or none of the power. You have some of the power. )
--R
*This point was driven home by reading The Flock: The Autobiography of a Multiple Personality by Joan Frances Casey, featuring the journal of her therapist, Lynn Wilson. In this memoir, Casey describes how her therapist, and her therapist's husband, became substitute parents for her to replace her abusive ones, complete with hugs, cuddling, trips to their lake house, etc. Casey finds this treatment wonderfully restorative until the point where Wilson, pretty abruptly, decides that this is too much for her, and suddenly places boundaries. For a while, she and Casey continue to work together, but then Wilson and her husband die suddenly in a boating accident. After that, Casey declares that she is suddenly completely integrated! And totally fine! And living a perfectly good life! Well, except for the alcoholism and depression. But basically fine!
So, like, don't try to be everything to your clients. Because what if you die in a boating accident?
** There are some therapists who think that the client should start talking at the beginning of the hour, so that they talk about what's important to them, not just what they think the therapist wants them to say. That's all well and good, but you need to for the love of all the gods TELL THE CLIENT THAT. They can't telepathically divine your intentions, they haven't read the same books you have, and they have no flippin' clue why you're just sitting there staring at them. So they will come up with an explanation for it-- that you're putting them in a stressful situation to see how crazy they are, that you're a creep, that you're too uninterested in them as a person to bother simple politeness like "good morning"-- etc. This is not conducive to good therapeutic rapport!