I also notice this particularly in disability activism, where disabled people saying they want the kinds of help they want, not the kinds that non-disabled people assume they need, are often met with considerable resistance and accusations of ingratitude.

This -- the notion that if those [insert minority here] people would just accept the charity offered, instead having the gall to ask for what is really needed, everything would be all hunky-dory -- is, of course, not limited to the disabled community. And it is good to see others recognizing and grappling with this tension.