Is it reasonable to think about some of these with regards to just generally trying to be a good and emotionally supportive friend?
I think so, yeah. Actually, when I look them over, I suppose a lot of these are good ideas in general. Huh!
probably telling your friends at length what you recommend that they do is not really super helpful
Yeah! This one was super-hard for me to learn, but I eventually figured it out, to the point where I try to never give unasked-for advice-- or if I do offer it, make it crystal clear that I don't expect them to take it without question. The thing I eventually realized about advice is that if someone has a problem, and I see an obvious answer to it, odds are reasonably good that they can also see that obvious answer, and have already dismissed it for reasons of their own, which either they haven't told me or I'm not paying enough attention to. I mean, this is not always the case, and a different perspective can be very useful in this way. And sometimes, people go to you because they know what you'll say, and they want to be talked into that (Dan Savage says this is the main trick of a good advice column; figure out what the asker wants to be told, and tell them that. Unless all of your *other* readers besides the asker will get more out of a different answer.). But yeah... lectures, even when you're paying for them, can be hard to pay attention to.
It's just so satisfying to tell your friends what to do, though! Because their problems are so much simpler (because they probably haven't had time to tell you every detail) and you can solve them, and feel clever and helpful! It's why I love the beginning of the training year at the clinic where I work-- because all the new interns and post-doctoral fellows have these wonderful questions, like "Where are the intake forms?" and "How do I work the fax machine?" and I can totally answer those! Later, when they start asking hard questions, it gets less fun. (ETA: Okay, still fun. But different fun. "Challenging," that's the same as fun, right?)
no subject
I think so, yeah. Actually, when I look them over, I suppose a lot of these are good ideas in general. Huh!
probably telling your friends at length what you recommend that they do is not really super helpful
Yeah! This one was super-hard for me to learn, but I eventually figured it out, to the point where I try to never give unasked-for advice-- or if I do offer it, make it crystal clear that I don't expect them to take it without question. The thing I eventually realized about advice is that if someone has a problem, and I see an obvious answer to it, odds are reasonably good that they can also see that obvious answer, and have already dismissed it for reasons of their own, which either they haven't told me or I'm not paying enough attention to. I mean, this is not always the case, and a different perspective can be very useful in this way. And sometimes, people go to you because they know what you'll say, and they want to be talked into that (Dan Savage says this is the main trick of a good advice column; figure out what the asker wants to be told, and tell them that. Unless all of your *other* readers besides the asker will get more out of a different answer.). But yeah... lectures, even when you're paying for them, can be hard to pay attention to.
It's just so satisfying to tell your friends what to do, though! Because their problems are so much simpler (because they probably haven't had time to tell you every detail) and you can solve them, and feel clever and helpful! It's why I love the beginning of the training year at the clinic where I work-- because all the new interns and post-doctoral fellows have these wonderful questions, like "Where are the intake forms?" and "How do I work the fax machine?" and I can totally answer those! Later, when they start asking hard questions, it gets less fun. (ETA: Okay, still fun. But different fun. "Challenging," that's the same as fun, right?)