More of the same.
May. 23rd, 2005 03:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gaudiorThe expression of horrified ah-ha! that crosses Hisoka’s face in the middle of the briefing is truly impressive. As is the coughing fit.
“Kurosaki-kun?”
Hisoka covers his mouth. “Sorry, Tatsumi-san. I’m fine.”
“Would you like to get a drink of water?”
“...yes.”
****************************************************************************
“Tsuzuki!”
“Yes?” The bathroom is small. Tsuzuki is glad to see that Hisoka seems to be fine. More or less. If staring into the mirror whispering swears can be considered “fine.”
“You... you were... you and Tatsumi-san weren’t just partners, were you?”
Tsuzuki leans against the bathroom door, blocking it from opening. “I don’t think he’d much like us talking about this here.”
“No,” Hisoka says hollowly.
“Want to take a coffee break?”
****************************************************************************
“But it’s Tatsumi-san,” Hisoka whimpers in a quiet corner of the living world.
Tsuzuki’s shrug neatly combines annoyed and amused. “Yes...?”
“But he’s so professional.”
“Private. He’s private.”
“I know, but...”
“People have feelings. Even if they don’t really want to.”
The empath glares. “I know.”
A sheepish smile. “I guess you do, huh?”
Hisoka sips coffee. “But Tatsumi’s not like that.” Tsuzuki looks politely dubious. “No. What you were talking about last week, with Watari-- Tatsumi’s not that casual. He’s not.”
“No. He’s not.”
“But then, how...?”
“It wasn’t casual.” Hisoka doesn’t ask, but he doesn’t try to evade, either-- he just listens. “I don’t know. Maybe it was love. It didn’t last long enough to know, anyway.” Tsuzuki sighs. “Maybe it was a mistake. Anyway. We should get back. It’s been fifteen minutes.”
“Since when does that bother you?”
“We should get back.”
****************************************************************************
“He still loves you, though.”
Tsuzuki hesitates in the doorway of the coffee-shop. “Hm?”
“Tatsumi-san still loves you.”
“What makes you say that?”
“It’s obvious. He worries about you all the time.”
“Guess I give him a hard time, huh?”
“I don’t know. He complains, but he smiles at you. More than at anyone else.”
“Oh.” A customer bumps into Tsuzuki in the doorway, and he ducks out of the shop. Hisoka follows. “You really want to talk about this, huh?”
“No. We don’t have to.” Tsuzuki just looks at him. “It doesn’t make sense, though.”
Tsuzuki’s clearly going to regret asking. “What doesn’t?”
“Why you stopped.”
“Because I was too much trouble.”
“What?”
“We should get back.”
****************************************************************************
“It’s stupid.”
“What is?”
“You’re not too much trouble.”
“You’ve been thinking about that all day? Is that why those reports had you scowling so much?”
“No, that was your handwriting... What are you laughing at?”
“Nothing,” and Tsuzuki really doesn’t sound all that amused. “I’m not trouble, huh?”
“You’re a lot of trouble. But not too much.”
“Oh.” Tsuzuki takes a moment to take that in. “Thank-you.”
“Mm.”
****************************************************************************
“Hisoka? I’m glad you’re my partner.”
“Good. Because you’re stuck with me.”
“Oh.” Tsuzuki beams. “Good.”
****************************************************************************
Tsuzuki’s sake has gone to Hisoka’s head. That’s clearly the best explanation for why he opens his mouth and says, “But it still doesn’t make sense.”
“What now?”
“That you said sex was fun.”
Tsuzuki takes another gulp. “It doesn’t?”
“That’s not what you were feeling when you were talking about Tatsumi-san.” Hisoka fidgets in his seat.
“Oh. Well, I guess that was different. Mostly.” Hisoka’s leaning forward on his elbows, listening. “That was... well, we’d had a bad case. And he was trying to make me feel better. It kind of worked.”
“But it wasn’t fun.”
“Sometimes it was. He’s got an interesting sense of humor.” Tsuzuki notices Hisoka’s look of appalled curiosity, and says, “I guess it’s hard not to think about how it ended.”
“Mm.”
“It’s usually fun to start out. It’s just that when it’s over, you stop wanting to think about how good it was, because it hurts. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t good. Just that you try to forget.”
“You’re not a very good salesman.”
“No?”
“No. I think I was right in the first place. I’m better off avoiding the whole thing.”
“Oh. Too bad.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Are you going to eat that?”
****************************************************************************
“Tsuzuki!”
Tsuzuki jumps at the alarm in his partner’s voice. “Hisoka? What’s wrong? Where are you calling from?”
“Home.” Hisoka’s voice is fuzzy over Tsuzuki’s cellphone.
Tsuzuki leans against a bench, covered in the blossoms of the trees he’s been walking under ever since they finished dinner. “Oh. What’s up?”
“You want to sleep with me!” It’s an accusation.
“Wha--?”
“That emotion,” Hisoka snaps. “I can recognize it now. It’s-- you-- you’ve been thinking about... sex. With me.”
Tsuzuki puts a hand over his face. “Ah. Well...” He smiles. “Yeah. You’re right.”
There’s silence over the phone. “Why?”
“Why? Why not? You’re cute. It’s just thinking.”
“I am not cute.”
“Okay, you’re not.” Tsuzuki looks up at the petals falling in the streetlight. “You’re gorgeous. But it doesn’t matter, Hisoka. You don’t want to. I can respect that.”
“But you think about it.”
“I can’t help that.”
“It’s creepy.”
“I’m not going to do anything.” Tsuzuki’s voice is firm, reassuring. “I’m not Muraki.”
The static buzzes over the line. “I’d kick your ass.”
“Definitely.”
“I mean it.”
“I’d help. Honestly. I’d rather cut off my own head than do something you didn’t want.” There’s a hint of pleading cutting through the professional warmth. “You know?”
“Mm.” Hisoka blows out his breath. “But why would you want to do that to me?”
“Well... because I like you. A lot.”
“Then why would you want to do that to me?”
“Um. Because it’s fun?”
“Why do you keep saying that? What is it that makes you think pain is fun?”
“It’s not,” Tsuzuki said. “Pain?”
“Sex.”
“Oh. Hisoka, it doesn’t have to hurt.”
“What do you mean?”
Tsuzuki runs his hand through his hair. “Well... it... I mean, if you know what you’re doing...”
“Of course it hurts! That isn’t meant to fit... there.”
Tsuzuki’s blushing. Hard. “Well... it can. You just have to go slowly. And use something to make it slippery. And not be afraid. Besides, that’s not the only thing people can do together.”
Hisoka’s breath is loud over the phone. “Really.”
“Trust me.”
“I guess... I have to.”
“Hisoka.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
***************************************************************************
“Good morning, Hisoka!”
“...morning.”
Tsuzuki hands over a cup, clean and steaming. “Coffee?”
“Thanks.” Hisoka takes it, not touching Tsuzuki’s hand.
Tsuzuki smiles with his mouth, though not his eyes. “They’re trying a new blend. I bet it’s because it’s cheaper. I don’t think Tatsumi’d care if he were drinking mud, as long as it didn’t cost the department much. He’s such a cheapskate. Right?”
Hisoka sips. “It’s okay.”
“Oh. Good. Um. About last night.”
“It’s okay.”
“Oh. Good.”
****************************************************************************
“Have you been thinking about that for a long time?”
The apartment is clean and bright around Hisoka, the door firmly locked. He can end the conversation in a second just by hanging up the phone.
“Um. I suppose...” Tsuzuki’s voice doesn’t match his emotions, usually. Over the phone, where empathy is blurred by distance, it’s harder to read.
Hisoka puts a hand to his aching head. “I remembered, the other day. The first night in Nagasaki. You felt... strange, like that.”
“Hisoka. I’m not going to do anything you don’t want me to.”
“You said that already.”
“But you don’t believe me!”
“Idiot. When did I say that?”
“You don’t have to say it. It’s true.”
“Tsuzuki...”
“I know I’ve done things before, I know you don’t have any reason to trust me. I wouldn’t trust me, either.”
“Shut up.”
“But I swear, I wouldn’t. I know that I mess up. I mess up all the time. I let people down. But I’ve never meant to. I never meant to scare you, I didn’t--”
“I’m not scared of you!”
“But I--”
“Idiot. I can feel your intentions. I’d know if you wanted to hurt me.”
“But when I was Sagatanus--”
“That wasn’t you. That was him. It was really easy to tell the difference. You’re not like that.”
Tsuzuki’s breathing hard, his voice catching. Hisoka doesn’t ask whether he’s crying.
“But you were so upset on the phone last night.”
It’s Hisoka’s turn to let the silence stretch. “It was just confusing. I couldn’t figure out what you meant by it.”
Tsuzuki’s voice steadies, growing rueful. “I don’t think I meant much.”
“You think it’s a good thing. That you want to do that with me.”
“Well, no, obviously. You don’t like it.”
“I didn’t mean that. Before. You thought I’d like it or something?”
“Well. That’s the idea, yeah.”
“Why?”
There’s a pause. “Hisoka... you really never think about sex at all? Ever?”
“No.”
“Wow.”
In an almost inaudible mutter, “...not with other people.”
Tsuzuki hesitates, his words sounding carefully chosen. “You take care of yourself.”
Hisoka’s blush is fierce. “Mm.”
“Right. So. That feels good, right?”
“It’s necessary. Why the hell am I telling you this?”
“I dunno. Nothing better to do on a Friday night?”
“My life sucks.”
“Aw. You need a hobby.”
Hisoka sighs. “Obviously.”
****************************************************************************
Fortunately, Tsuzuki’s phone has unlimited weekend minutes. “You’re not embarrassed, thinking about that?”
“Well... most of the time, people can’t read my mind. So, y’know, thoughts are free, right?”
“Mm.”
“Are you?”
“What? Embarrassed?”
“Yeah.”
“No.”
“That’s good,” Tsuzuki says encouragingly. “There’s nothing wrong with thinking.”
“I didn’t say I think about it.”
“Oh. So you still don’t, huh?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“That’s true. Sorry!”
“And it’s your fault if I do. You’re the one who brought it up.”
“Hm.”
“Pervert.”
“Yup!”
“You don’t have to sound so cheerful about it!”
“You’re right. I don’t.”
“Hmph.”
“So...” Tsuzuki says.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“What?”
“What do you think about?”
“I don’t have to tell you that!”
“No. You don’t have to.”
“...good.”
**************************************************************************
Lots of free weekend minutes.
“I didn’t answer the question,” Hisoka admits.
“You don’t have to.”
“I think you’d be... different.”
“Different?”
“I can’t figure you out. For all I know, you’d start babbling like a baby. You do that all the time.”
“Hey! I do not!”
“You did it on Friday. When Watari spilled his potion on your doughnut.”
“Well, I was looking forward to that! And he so did it on purpose!”
“See?”
“Hmph.”
“I never know how seriously you’re going to take anything.”
“I take you seriously.”
“Yeah. I guess.”
“I do.”
“Yeah. Tsuzuki...”
“Mm?”
“I trust you. You’re the only person I’ve ever really trusted.”
“Hisoka...”
“That’s all.”
“Thank you.”
****************************************************************************
“What did you mean about other things?”
“Other things?”
“Besides... you said there are different things people can do that are sex.”
“Oh! Yeah.”
“So?”
“Oh. Geez, this isn’t really something you talk about...”
“You said you would.”
“I did? Well, um... hand-jobs. That’s when you-- like when you jerk off yourself, right, but for the other person.”
“What’s the point? You could just do that on your own.”
“Because it feels good to make someone else feel good.”
“Mm.”
“Doesn’t it?”
“I guess. Is that it?”
“Well, no. There’s blowjobs-- um, when you put it in your mouth. The other person’s, I mean.”
“Why?”
“Because it feels good?”
“That’s disgusting.”
“It’s not that bad. You get used to it.”
“How could you possibly get used to that?”
“Because it’s different. Look... when you’re with someone you really like, then you don’t think about things the same way. It’s like the rules have gone away. Because the parts of their body that you’re not supposed to think about are right there, so you do think about them. It’s like... like you have permission to think what you’re not supposed to think, and touch what you’re not supposed to touch, and feel what you’re not supposed to feel. It feels... really free.
“And you can... can trust the other person, in a way. It’s weird, that way, because even if they don’t really care about you the rest of the time, even if they’re just using you, they’ve come here with you. And they’re enjoying you, and you’re enjoying them, and it’s much more... honest, than people ever are usually. They can’t lie with their bodies. So you know that they really do see something in you that’s worthwhile. That there really is something about you that they like.
“So you do things you wouldn’t do, usually. And it’s different.
“Wow, I guess you were right about me babbling, huh?”
“No. That’s...” Hisoka shifts the phone to the other hand, wiping his palm on his leg. “What else do you do?”
“What else? Um... well, you can just hold each other, and sort of rub against each other. It takes a little longer, but it can be nice. You can kiss at the same time, then.”
“That... might not be so bad.”
****************************************************************************
“So you’ve slept with a lot of people.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say a lot, exactly... I mean, I’ve been a shinigami for a long time, so stuff happens...”
“How many?”
“Some. Um... fourteen.”
“That’s a lot.”
“I suppose.”
“Were you in love with them?”
“Oh... I’m not sure. It’s hard to tell sometimes.”
“What’s hard about it? Don’t you know?”
“Well, not always. It’s not like there’s a sign or something.”
“But it’s not something you think about.”
“Well... why worry about it, you know? It’s like... putting pressure on people. It scares them.”
“More than sex does?”
“Well... sex can just be casual, you know? People can hurt you much more if you love them. Especially when they leave.”
“That’s true about people you’re not having sex with, though,” Hisoka points out.
“Um. Yeah.”
“It doesn’t seem like it has much to do with sex either way.”
“Maybe not..." Tsuzuki concedes. "Love’s weird, anyway. It’s hard to say the words. Or if someone does, it’s hard to know if they mean it.”
“Mm.”
The silence stretches.
“Unless they say something else,” Tsuzuki says.
“Something else?”
“Like that you’re their home.”
Hisoka draws in a breath. “Or if they do something, right? Like... stay.”
“Yeah,” Tsuzuki says. “Exactly like that.”
***************************************************************************
“So. If I did...”
“If you did what?”
“If I did let you have sex with me, it’s--”
“Stop.”
“What?”
“I don’t want you to ‘let’ me. That’s... not good.”
“Mm.”
***************************************************************************
“So.”
“So?”
“So if I did have sex with you...”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t want you to make fun of me about it.”
“I wouldn’t!”
“You would so! You’re such a tease! Especially when you think you know more than I do about something!”
“Oh. It’s just play.”
“I don’t want to ‘just play.’ Take me seriously.”
“It’s better when you do both.”
“I don’t want you to-- The whole thing is so undignified, anyway. I don’t want to be ridiculous.”
“But it is ridiculous. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter. It’s both.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“It’s hard to explain.”
“Mm.”
“I would take you seriously, Hisoka. But not so seriously that it wasn’t fun.”
“Fun, again.”
“Well. Yeah.”
***************************************************************************
“It still doesn’t make any sense.”
“Um... it means too much to take seriously. You know? It’d be, like, overwhelming. You have to play, or you couldn’t do it. Does that help?”
“No.”
“Damn.”
“Tsuzuki?”
“Yeah?”
“I think you’d better show me.”
***************************************************************************
The clock finally hits five pm. Tsuzuki practically leaps out of his desk. “Mondays are too long,” he complains.
Hisoka stands more slowly. “Yeah.”
Tsuzuki stretches. “But it’s over. Freedom! Right?”
“Yeah. Freedom.”
“Hisoka...?”
“How much of a mess is your apartment right now?”
“Huh?” Tsuzuki thinks about it. “Not that bad.”
“Then we should go there.”
***************************************************************************
Tsuzuki breezes into his apartment, tossing his coat onto a corner by his front door, his shoes next to it. Hisoka hesitates in the doorway. “You were exaggerating about that ‘not that bad’ thing, weren’t you?”
“No way! Look-- you can see floor over there.” Hisoka still hasn’t taken his shoes off. Tsuzuki winces. “I could straighten it up a little.”
“It’d need more than a little.” Hisoka’s gaze is generally disapproving.
“Well,” Tsuzuki swallows, “we don’t have to stay here. We could go out to eat.”
“Mm.”
“You could always come over some other time. After I clean.”
Hisoka takes off his shoes. “This is fine.”
“Okay. You’re sure?”
Hisoka crosses the room to Tsuzuki. “Yes.”
“Hiso-- mmmmmm.”
“... it’s fine.”
“Oh, yeah... Better if you tilt your head, though.”
“I could have figured that out! You don’t have to tell me-- mm...”
“Hisoka...”
“What?”
“Just... you feel good.”
“Stop talking.”
“Okay...”
They haven’t turned the lights on-- the apartment is lit only by the late afternoon light filtering through the trees outside the window. But since they’ve got their eyes closed, it doesn’t particularly matter. Very little of the outside world does.
Hisoka breaks off. “I’m getting a crick in my neck.”
“Aw... Does this make it feel better?”
“Ah... yes... but you’re still too damn tall.”
“Sorry.”
“Mmm.”
“It makes less of a difference if we’re lying down,” Tsuzuki says.
Hisoka stands still, breathing against his chest. “Where’s your bed?”
“In here.” The futon’s unmade. Tsuzuki kneels, pulling back the comforter and slipping off his jacket.
Hisoka follows. “You sleep with stuffed animals?”
“Well, not exactly. They’re mementos.”
“Really.”
“Really.”
“You’re such a freak.”
“Hey, don’t be so... mmm.”
Hisoka pants. “So... now what?”
Tsuzuki lies back. “Come here.”
“Me on top?”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t know what I’m doing!”
“It doesn’t matter. We’ll figure it out.”
“Are we supposed to still be wearing clothes?”
“There is no ‘supposed to.’ Do you want me to take this off?”
“I don’t know. Sure. Whatever.”
“You’re shaking.”
“I’m fine! It’s fine...”
“Not... better than fine?”
“Ah... maybe. Um. Keep doing that...”
“Absolutely.”
“Um. That’s... ah...”
“Sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, I’m... just... don’t do anything sudden, okay?”
“Okay... so I should move... slowly? Like... this?”
“Gods, that’s...”
“Your jeans are tight.”
“Here.”
“Okay...”
“Gods, you’re... your emotions are so...”
“Sorry. Is it okay?”
“No, it’s... good, actually. You’re so... happy when I’m... happy, and... you want... you want me to do... this.”
“Aaaah!”
“Yeah.”
“Hisoka...”
“Mm?”
”Please.”
“Mmmmm...”
“Hisoka... you are... home. Your... place... is here...”
“Shhh, it... just... shhh.”
“Yes...”
“Tsuzuki... don’t move... for a sec, I’m... oh.”
“Mmmmmm.”
“Oh. That... that was... But you’re still...”
“I know, it’ll just... take a minute... stay?”
“Huh?”
“I just... almost there... please don’t go... please... Hisoka... stay with me...”
“What? I’m not going anywhere. Don’t worry. Come here.”
“Please...”
“Mm...”
“Yes... please... I... yesssss.”
“Yeah...”
They lie still, intertwined. After a while, their breathing synchronizes, so they rise and fall together.
There are tears in Hisoka’s hair. Sweat and semen blend between them, sticking their bodies together. “That was... messy,” Hisoka says muzzily.
“Just messy?”
“No. Not just messy.”
“Mmm...”
“Tsuzuki?”
“Mm?”
“It was.”
“Was what?”
“Fun.”
Tsuzuki beams, snuggling close. “Told you.”
“Shut up...”
“No.”
“Oh.” Hisoka nestles his head against Tsuzuki’s chest, listening to his heart beat. “Well. That’s okay, too.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-23 08:51 pm (UTC)I especially love the bit where Hisoka comes to an understanding about Tatsumi.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:20 pm (UTC)(And your icon is gorgeous, though my wife keeps telling me not to look at it too closely-- I'm only up to episode 111).
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-23 08:53 pm (UTC)I think one of my favorite parts is Hisoka calling Tsuzuki up after he identified the emotion he sensed. Hmm, I what finally caused him to figure it out.
Good work! I really like reading your stuff, you go out and explore the characters and really work with them. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:21 pm (UTC)They so do. Like, a platoon of them. I like to write them dealing with their issues on their own or together, but I swear, they'd have so much easier a time just hiring a shrink...
Glad you liked. Thanks!
:0
Date: 2005-05-25 12:36 pm (UTC)Shini: Hey doc, I've moved beyond my mortal-life funk. See you on the other side.
Enma-dai-oh: ...
-- would be discouraged.
But I guess having a partner who hopefully you can learn to depend on kills two birds with a stone.
Re: :0
Date: 2005-05-25 04:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-23 08:57 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:22 pm (UTC)Also, where does your icon come from? It's sweet.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 01:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 04:01 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 07:07 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-23 09:16 pm (UTC)Very entertaining, but also clever and intelligent fic on Hisoka and Tsuzuki. The inclusion of what happened between Muraki and Tsuzuki in this fic as a juxtaposition to Hisoka's experiences was also very smartly and sensitively done.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:23 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-23 09:19 pm (UTC)I think my favorite part was,
Fortunately, Tsuzuki’s phone has unlimited weekend minutes. Lots of free weekend minutes.
XD
*memories*
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:24 pm (UTC)Also, grin. I was fond of that line, too.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-23 09:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:26 pm (UTC)And yeah-- I thought it would be fun to have a fic where sex doesn't traumatize the hell out of them because they, like, didn't spring it on each other suddenly. Which they tend to do really often, in fic.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-23 11:57 pm (UTC)“Something else?”
“Like that you’re their home.”
Hisoka draws in a breath. “Or if they do something, right? Like... stay.”
“Yeah,” Tsuzuki says. “Exactly like that.”
That is so amazingly perfect. The whole thing is brilliant, but the way you work everything in so subtlely is amazing. (...did I spell subtlely right? ...Is it a word? x.x )
Thank you for writing and sharing this ♥
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:27 pm (UTC)("Subtly," I am informed by my dictionary. Heh.)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-26 03:18 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-26 12:08 pm (UTC)Yeah, they'r tricky littl buggers, aren't they?
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-24 01:23 am (UTC)“Hisoka... you are... home. Your... place... is here...”
“Shhh, it... just... shhh.” I love you for this.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:28 pm (UTC)Thank-you!
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-24 02:00 am (UTC)I adore the conversations, particularly when Hisoka realizes that bit about Tatsumi.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:29 pm (UTC)Glad you liked!
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-24 03:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:29 pm (UTC)And your icon is adorable. When does he wear overalls?
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:38 pm (UTC)poisoncurry for Hijiri, and they both go chibi for a moment.(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 10:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-26 12:55 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-26 02:33 am (UTC)< / blatant rationalization >
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-24 04:28 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:30 pm (UTC)Also, *snerk* of your icon.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-24 01:04 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-24 03:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-24 03:39 pm (UTC)2) The lack of description frequently makes it difficult to determine who is speaking.
3) Language and pacing could use to be more varied in the dialogue, as there is very little that isn't dialogue.
4) Otherwise, not bad.
...going on the "friends exist to keep one's ego in check" model ^^;;
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:31 pm (UTC)*steals your nose*
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-24 04:31 pm (UTC)Still true.
This was amazing and your dialogue is impressive. There were a few places where I had to count back to make sure I knew who was saying which, (although in the Muraki sequence, that very interchangeability made the scene one of the best parts of the whole piece,) but that's par for the course in any stretch of unattributed dialogue. This is a good plotbunny. Write more of them.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 12:33 pm (UTC)And yeah, with the unattributed dialogue... I really didn't revise this one nearly as much as I could have, because I wanted it finished so I could go back to revising the long one. (Which I so need to get going on, agggh.) But glad that it worked. Thank you. Lots.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 03:01 pm (UTC)That was so damn cute. *loves*♥
(no subject)
Date: 2005-05-25 04:01 pm (UTC)Re: Fun
Date: 2005-05-27 04:29 pm (UTC)Lovely little piece. Enjoyed it tremendously. Thanks for sharing.
Re: Fun
Date: 2005-05-29 02:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-06-23 07:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-07-21 01:57 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2005-09-13 12:52 am (UTC)