![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
On Sexual Morality
Jan. 18th, 2012 03:04 pmI've been reading arguments about same-sex marriage, and one thing I keep running into is that opponents seem to see themselves as having Values and Restraint about sex, and the other side as having none at all. It's a zillion kinds of untrue, but those of us on the other side don't exactly have a Bible* or other handy reference guide that we can point to as our canon of what is right and wrong about sex.
So I thought I'd write one. This is my personal set of rules, I'm not sure how well they match other people's.
1. Do not have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you.**
2. Do not have sex with someone who's too young or asleep*** or intoxicated*** or out-of-touch-with-consensus-reality or insufficiently-sentient to be able to make the same kinds of decisions about sex that you can make.
3. Do not have sex you don't want to have.
4. Take precautions not to get anyone sick.
5. Take precautions not to get anyone pregnant unless both partners want them to be.
6. Make sex as enjoyable and satisfying as possible for you and your partner(s).
7. Keep whatever promises you make to your partner(s) about sex with other people.
8. Never lie to your partner(s) about sex, with other people or otherwise.
9. Don't take part in other people's breaking of promises to their partners about sex.
10. Don't use sex to manipulate people.
11. Tell your partner(s) what you want and what you feel, and ask about what they want and feel, enough to make all the above happen.****
12. Don't shame anyone, including yourself, for their sex- or love-lives.
13. Learn about sex enough to know what you want and don't want, how to do it well, and how to talk about it.
14. Teach people anything they want to know about sex.*****
Am I missing any?
--R
*Entertainingly, the Bible turns out not to have very much to say at all about sex before marriage. It's also wildly unclear about same-sex sex, but that's more widely known.
**And just because someone had sex with you once, or a certain type of sex, doesn't mean you can assume they will always want to have sex with you, or that all types of sex are okay by them.
***Unless they gave their consent beforehand.
****Perhaps the most important example: make sure that you have explicit consent to have sex with someone, and keep alert to their responses throughout, don't assume you know what they want. If you're playing with consent as part of a fantasy, have a clear safe-word which you follow absolutely, and immediately end the scene if your partner uses it.
*****I would say "age-appropriately," but that's implied in the "what they want to know"-- kids usually aren't that interested in things they're actually too young to process. You just have to answer the question they're actually asking, not leap ahead.
So I thought I'd write one. This is my personal set of rules, I'm not sure how well they match other people's.
1. Do not have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you.**
2. Do not have sex with someone who's too young or asleep*** or intoxicated*** or out-of-touch-with-consensus-reality or insufficiently-sentient to be able to make the same kinds of decisions about sex that you can make.
3. Do not have sex you don't want to have.
4. Take precautions not to get anyone sick.
5. Take precautions not to get anyone pregnant unless both partners want them to be.
6. Make sex as enjoyable and satisfying as possible for you and your partner(s).
7. Keep whatever promises you make to your partner(s) about sex with other people.
8. Never lie to your partner(s) about sex, with other people or otherwise.
9. Don't take part in other people's breaking of promises to their partners about sex.
10. Don't use sex to manipulate people.
11. Tell your partner(s) what you want and what you feel, and ask about what they want and feel, enough to make all the above happen.****
12. Don't shame anyone, including yourself, for their sex- or love-lives.
13. Learn about sex enough to know what you want and don't want, how to do it well, and how to talk about it.
14. Teach people anything they want to know about sex.*****
Am I missing any?
--R
*Entertainingly, the Bible turns out not to have very much to say at all about sex before marriage. It's also wildly unclear about same-sex sex, but that's more widely known.
**And just because someone had sex with you once, or a certain type of sex, doesn't mean you can assume they will always want to have sex with you, or that all types of sex are okay by them.
***Unless they gave their consent beforehand.
****Perhaps the most important example: make sure that you have explicit consent to have sex with someone, and keep alert to their responses throughout, don't assume you know what they want. If you're playing with consent as part of a fantasy, have a clear safe-word which you follow absolutely, and immediately end the scene if your partner uses it.
*****I would say "age-appropriately," but that's implied in the "what they want to know"-- kids usually aren't that interested in things they're actually too young to process. You just have to answer the question they're actually asking, not leap ahead.
