On Sexual Morality

[gaudior]

I've been reading arguments about same-sex marriage, and one thing I keep running into is that opponents seem to see themselves as having Values and Restraint about sex, and the other side as having none at all. It's a zillion kinds of untrue, but those of us on the other side don't exactly have a Bible* or other handy reference guide that we can point to as our canon of what is right and wrong about sex.

So I thought I'd write one. This is my personal set of rules, I'm not sure how well they match other people's.

1. Do not have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you.**
2. Do not have sex with someone who's too young or asleep*** or intoxicated*** or out-of-touch-with-consensus-reality or insufficiently-sentient to be able to make the same kinds of decisions about sex that you can make.
3. Do not have sex you don't want to have.
4. Take precautions not to get anyone sick.
5. Take precautions not to get anyone pregnant unless both partners want them to be.
6. Make sex as enjoyable and satisfying as possible for you and your partner(s).
7. Keep whatever promises you make to your partner(s) about sex with other people.
8. Never lie to your partner(s) about sex, with other people or otherwise.
9. Don't take part in other people's breaking of promises to their partners about sex.
10. Don't use sex to manipulate people.
11. Tell your partner(s) what you want and what you feel, and ask about what they want and feel, enough to make all the above happen.****
12. Don't shame anyone, including yourself, for their sex- or love-lives.
13. Learn about sex enough to know what you want and don't want, how to do it well, and how to talk about it.
14. Teach people anything they want to know about sex.*****

Am I missing any?

--R


*Entertainingly, the Bible turns out not to have very much to say at all about sex before marriage. It's also wildly unclear about same-sex sex, but that's more widely known.
**And just because someone had sex with you once, or a certain type of sex, doesn't mean you can assume they will always want to have sex with you, or that all types of sex are okay by them.
***Unless they gave their consent beforehand.
****Perhaps the most important example: make sure that you have explicit consent to have sex with someone, and keep alert to their responses throughout, don't assume you know what they want. If you're playing with consent as part of a fantasy, have a clear safe-word which you follow absolutely, and immediately end the scene if your partner uses it.
*****I would say "age-appropriately," but that's implied in the "what they want to know"-- kids usually aren't that interested in things they're actually too young to process. You just have to answer the question they're actually asking, not leap ahead.

Comments

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

"Don't just assume that someone wants to have sex with you. Make sure that you get clear consent to sex before proceeding."

I realize that "clear consent" is itself an unclear term, but at least it gets people thinking in the right direction.

[gaudior.livejournal.com]

You don't think it's covered by the combination of #1 and #10? I can add it as a footnote to #10, cuz it is super-important.

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

10 probably covers it, but I like it as an addendum to # 1. It's such a common point of failure.

[gaudior.livejournal.com]

Yeah, fair enough.

[navrins]

I'd expand #5 a bit... a woman who wants to be pregnant probably shouldn't be using a man who doesn't want to get her pregnant for the purpose. I haven't thought of as neat a way to say that as the rest of your rules.

Perhaps that is a subset of, "Don't try to use sex as a tool for coercion." Which may itself be a subset of some better, broader rule.

[gaudior.livejournal.com]

I'd expand #5 a bit... a woman who wants to be pregnant probably shouldn't be using a man who doesn't want to get her pregnant for the purpose.

Ooh, very good call. I'm gonna edit that now. Thanks!

[gaudior.livejournal.com]

"Don't try to use sex as a tool for coercion." Which may itself be a subset of some better, broader rule.

Hey, also a good call.

[navrins]

On further reflection, perhaps "Don't try to use sex or lack of sex as a tool for coercion."

[gaudior.livejournal.com]

I put "do not use sex to manipulate people," which I think should cover those.

[ckd]

I can't think of any that you're missing. My version of #1 is a bit more emphatic, since I go toward the "enthusiastic consent" standard...and do my best at #6 in order to make it enthusiastic. ;-)

[gaudior.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm trying to keep these as simple and adjective/qualifier-free as I can, but I strongly agree-- enthusiastic consent all the way.

[pastwatcher]

I have a couple more:

14. Don't do anything with your partner(s) that you aren't comfortable talking about with them.
15. If you've set up a fantasy situation or one where "no" might not mean "no", have a safeword that absolutely means "stop", and preferably another one that means "go easier please".
16. Consent should be enthusiastic, and therefore obvious. (I guess I don't understand why people have trouble with this one. But apparently people might initiate sex without wanting it.)

And for those special people whom my Bible sends to hell:
17. Don't buy into the virgin/whore dichotomy, or other cultural constructions that make people afraid or ashamed of sex.

[pastwatcher]

Actually the victims of #17 don't go to hell. Maybe this falls under "using sex to manipulate people"? Also the numbers weren't intended to say "please add these at the end" if you don't like them, just to keep the points separate.

[gaudior.livejournal.com]

Huh. Yeah, those fit in under 3, 11, and 12, but I'm going to tweak them to make that clearer. Thanks!

[thomasyan.livejournal.com]

0. "Do not have sex when X" also means "stop having sex if X arises during sex"?

[gaudior.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but I think it's implied. I mean, if you've taken precautions and then the condom breaks, if you keep going, that would count as sex without precautions. Ditto consent-- if someone stops wanting to have sex halfway through, then any sex after that point would count as sex with someone who doesn't want to, and so is wrong. No?

[lisajulie.livejournal.com]

Possibly:

Do not assume that consent to a previous act of sex assures that consent to any and _all_ subsequent acts of sex.

[gaudior.livejournal.com]

Yeah, good call.

[encephalogistic.livejournal.com]

Mild technicality: #2 could ban sex toys if you wanted to be legalistic, and I wouldn't describe animals as non-sentient anyway. "Insufficiently sentient"?

And I might tentatively add a #14, along the lines of "Make a good-faith effort to learn about sex, and to know what you (don't) want out of sex and sexual relationships." A serious, adult degree of knowledge is a prerequisite to following most of your list.

[gaudior.livejournal.com]

Oh, hai! You can haz livejournal! Hurrah!

Hey, randomly-- I've been referring to you as "J" when I mention you in entries-- should I keep doing that, switch to your username, or do what I generally do with housemates in friends-locked entries and just write out your actual name?

[encephalogistic.livejournal.com]

Jonathan is totally fine in friend-locked places, the username works for public but honestly I never objected to the use of my real name for most things. Facebook generation, etc.

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