How to Handle a Plague, 10) Ask for what you need, don't tell people what they're doing wrong.

[gaudior]

10) Ask for what you need, don't tell people what they're doing wrong.

So, there will probably be a number of these that focus on domestic harmony, because it has suddenly become very, very important to get along with the people you're living with, because getting space from each other is suddenly hard, not to mention that we're all very stressed. This one I'm stealing wholesale from Marshall Rosenberg, because it's that good.

So that is: if you would like to get along with the people in your house/apartment/etc, and you are starting to get on each other's nerves, think not about what they're doing that's bothering you, but about what you aren't getting that's bothering you. Because the former may actually be impossible to change, but the latter is a problem that could have a variety of solutions. And the former is something that leads to people feeling defensive, and to fights, where the latter, if you're all people of goodwill, can lead to people working together to help you, which feels pretty great.

I am again stealing: the Center for Nonviolent Communication has a needs inventory to help you figure out what need you're not getting met. It's worth perusing, and noticing what rings true to you, and whether any of them are things that other people from your house can help with. (Personally, I needed "rest/sleep," and my housemates were really quite good about making sure there's time and care for me to get it, which is astonishingly helpful.)

Happy communicating, all.

--R

Comments

[lovepeaceohana]

Because the former may actually be impossible to change, but the latter is a problem that could have a variety of solutions.

This is extraordinarily helpful as a framing device. Thank you!

[jesse_the_k]

Excellent advice!