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gaudiorThis is another in the ongoing series of "how to get along with the people you live with, now that you live with them all day every day," : 14) Any chore done by somebody else, such that you don't have to do it, was done correctly.
I am convinced that everyone has their own theory about the Correct Way to load a dishwasher. Which is all very well and good (human diversity and all), but can lead to so many arguments, many of which start when somebody tries to instruct someone else how to do it "properly," or when someone notices somebody else somewhat pointedly rearranging the dishes they had only just loaded.
The thing is, it does make sense to me that people have strong feelings. Especially if you're the person in your house who does most of the chores (assuming you're in a house where one person does the bulk of the chores), you can start to feel quite territorial about them. People assigned female at birth in particular often got raised to see the kitchen as theirs, and were encouraged to see anyone younger or more y-chromosomed as "hopeless in the kitchen." Even if that's not where you're coming from, there's a real sense of control that can come from knowing exactly how you prefer to do housekeeping, what method you find most efficient and effective and least painful, and a satisfaction to seeing your work done.
The thing is, though, that I feel like a lot of the time, this territoriality is the emotional compensation for how annoying and tiring it is to have to do a lot of chores. If you're the only one working, it's some solace to think that you're the only one who can do it, or at least, the only one who can do it well, because otherwise, you will start getting very resentful very quickly.
And when everyone is home all the time, the people who are more often out working are likely to notice that there's a lot to do around here, and (especially if they're not working for money at all) that they could do some more of it. Or, if people are living together for the pandemic who don't normally, the newcomer to the household is likely to want to fit themself into the household, and doing chores is a great way to do that.
At which point, the person who normally does most of the chores has two options. One is to insist that everyone else is doing it Wrong, and try to instruct them, and this is likely to lead to fights, and to everyone else being discouraged, and doing it less, and a new source of stress added to the general pandemic woes.
The other option, and the one I wholeheartedly recommend, is to realize that all roads lead to Rome, and all ways of loading the dishwasher lead to clean dishes. I mean, if someone does something that actually breaks all the china or leads to grievous injuries, then sure, say something about that. But for the most part, the more you can let go of the correct direction to sweep the floor, the most perfect removal of stains from the recycling, or the ideal timing of taking out the trash, the happier everyone will be.
--R
I am convinced that everyone has their own theory about the Correct Way to load a dishwasher. Which is all very well and good (human diversity and all), but can lead to so many arguments, many of which start when somebody tries to instruct someone else how to do it "properly," or when someone notices somebody else somewhat pointedly rearranging the dishes they had only just loaded.
The thing is, it does make sense to me that people have strong feelings. Especially if you're the person in your house who does most of the chores (assuming you're in a house where one person does the bulk of the chores), you can start to feel quite territorial about them. People assigned female at birth in particular often got raised to see the kitchen as theirs, and were encouraged to see anyone younger or more y-chromosomed as "hopeless in the kitchen." Even if that's not where you're coming from, there's a real sense of control that can come from knowing exactly how you prefer to do housekeeping, what method you find most efficient and effective and least painful, and a satisfaction to seeing your work done.
The thing is, though, that I feel like a lot of the time, this territoriality is the emotional compensation for how annoying and tiring it is to have to do a lot of chores. If you're the only one working, it's some solace to think that you're the only one who can do it, or at least, the only one who can do it well, because otherwise, you will start getting very resentful very quickly.
And when everyone is home all the time, the people who are more often out working are likely to notice that there's a lot to do around here, and (especially if they're not working for money at all) that they could do some more of it. Or, if people are living together for the pandemic who don't normally, the newcomer to the household is likely to want to fit themself into the household, and doing chores is a great way to do that.
At which point, the person who normally does most of the chores has two options. One is to insist that everyone else is doing it Wrong, and try to instruct them, and this is likely to lead to fights, and to everyone else being discouraged, and doing it less, and a new source of stress added to the general pandemic woes.
The other option, and the one I wholeheartedly recommend, is to realize that all roads lead to Rome, and all ways of loading the dishwasher lead to clean dishes. I mean, if someone does something that actually breaks all the china or leads to grievous injuries, then sure, say something about that. But for the most part, the more you can let go of the correct direction to sweep the floor, the most perfect removal of stains from the recycling, or the ideal timing of taking out the trash, the happier everyone will be.
--R
(no subject)
Date: 2020-04-17 11:53 am (UTC)Because when people put things away in the wrong places in my kitchen, they're not just "the wrong places" because I am territorial, they are the wrong places because the people who are doing the food prep then cannot find crucial items. Sometimes for days. And ask each other whether the ____ got broken and thrown away. Etc. Also there are some items that have been deliberately put where the people who use them can get at them (I am not 6'2", T is not bendy) and putting them where the people who use them can't get at them is the opposite of helpful.
So your solution on the one end of "the person who is most invested should try to relax about it" is a good one, but it seems to focus on only half of the problem, which is that the person who is less invested should try to learn which things have an actual reason and do them in a way that is actual help and not just an unhelpful symbolic gesture of helping.
M is the person who washes anything that doesn't get clean in our dishwasher, and I think if T and I consistently put dishes facing one way or another, he should shake off any purely aesthetic preferences he has there...but if T and I consistently put dishes in such that they don't get cleaned by the dishwasher, even if they don't also get broken, it's okay for him to say something. Because "hey, you feel like you're helping, but you're making more work for someone else, and that's not helpful" is useful to know. Especially among fellow competent adults.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-04-17 06:29 pm (UTC)I agree very much with your concerns—it stands to reason that if my nesting partner wants to help with my chore list and sees that one of the items on the list is "unpacking and organizing the spices" and does so... it is only helpful if I, the person who generally cooks, can find all the spices I need when I need them.
The issue is the grey areas (as usual in life), and I think that is where the effort to relax and accept assistance can be most helpful. When I radically accept things as they are Right Now, as I'm sick enough I can't easily cook, it really doesn't matter where NP put the spices. if I need or want to, I can re-organize them when I'm well enough to stand for an hour at a go again.
It doesn't really serve anyone for me to get frustrated/picky/upset that NP does 5 smaller loads of laundry instead of the 3 I'd efficiently optimize for, because the laundry is done. It doesn't serve me to allow the annoyance to grow and then start picking at him simply because he prefers to vacuum the entire tiled kitchen, rather than sweep and also vacuum.
What matters is that he wants to help. What matters is that I, too, can help us both by appreciating his efforts, even if it's not the way I ordinarily would do things, as long as things get done to any standard we can work with.